I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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