I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
