Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
