Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
