my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
