What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
