Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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