I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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