I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
