4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's shark week go big or go home
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
