my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
