Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
