K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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