My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
