My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
