Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
