Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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