She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
