Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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