Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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