So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
