If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We're too hungover to prance.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
