tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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