My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
