I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
