I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Operation Purity has been aborted
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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