I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
