I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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