I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
