i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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