we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
