maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
