dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's always time for handjobs
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
