I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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