Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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