I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
