Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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