I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
