The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
