hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
