I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
