so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
