in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there