um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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