Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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