Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
