i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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