If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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