I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I love having hate sex.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
