I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
