Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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