I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You're like the curious george of whores
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
