I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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