she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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