he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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