omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
