I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
