I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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