Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
